Knowing that something is for the best doesn’t make it any easier. It’s hard to let go of something that has been possibly the biggest, most important part of your life for so long, even when you realise that it has been slowly destroying you.
Such small changes that could have made everything different. Tiny changes & I’d have been so happy. Never once expected a fairy tale. Just wanted to be “enough”. I wanted to be enough for him to not want to see anyone else. But I realise I never will be. I realise I’ll never know why. I realise that no matter how much you put someone first, respect them, do whatever you can to make them happy.. It doesn’t matter if they’re not willing to even give you respect.
He made me laugh, he made me cry, he made me feel safe, he made me feel insecure, he made me feel love, he made me feel fear, he made me feel like I had no idea who I was anymore.
I know that no matter how much I love him it makes no difference. I know that he’d rather push me away & hurt me than risk opening himself up to the possibility of hurt himself. I’ve tried. Really tried.
He has his demons. They make him a completely different person. Sometimes they bring out a little of the person I know he is. Sometimes they make him open up & be honest. But most of the time they make him something that scares me. A different person.
I know all of this. I know every problem. I remember every last word he said to me to hurt me. I remember everything he did to break my heart. I know that he’ll never be willing to make those small changes for us to work. I know he will always make me feel like I’m not good enough.
So why am I lay here missing him more than I’ve ever missed anyone in my life?